Writing Query Letters

A proper writer should have a set of query letters available at all times. I'm working on it. I tried to draft a letter, but I kept having to start over. What approach would you take?

Drafting a Query Letter: 

1. Dear Sir, Ma'am or N/A, 
Enclosed is a short chapter-by-chapter discription of my Writing Project. Don't worry, I didn't include the last part; I wouldn't want to spoil the end for you. 

2. Dear Agent Orange, 
I may have to warn you that Agents Pink, Chartruse, and Mustard have reviewed this document and deemed it best that the contents stay classified. However, it is unfathomable, in my society, to withhold a document of this much aplomb and pretension. 

3. Dear Agent, 
I am a blogger; please restrain your enthusiasm. 

4. Dear Agent, 
I am a William and Mary graduate. The fact that I have this expensive paper must impel you to read the story.  

5. Dear Agent, 
I would like you to read my story because it is good. If not, please consider reading it because I'm cute and cut a good figure, so when I go on the interviewing segment people will be sure to buy my book. I am also open to publicity stunts and social networking. 

6. Dear Agent, 
Do you want to experience the occult or pop-cult? If you, like me, believe you don't have to choose, this project is for you. Synthesis, Tarot, references from books.
Together, we can nail that key Literary and Cultural Studies demographic!

7. Dear Agent, 
I deeply enjoyed meeting you at that conference, that one time. As I recall we had a lot to talk about, and we laughed and laughed when we found that the cafe offered drinks called a Holden Coffield. And for the after party, I believe you ordered a Rum-Tum-Tugger, and then you went wild, lifting up girls shirts, blowing raspberries, and calling yourself the tum-tum-mugger. 

8. Deer Agent, 
It must be tough for you to find good writers when your clients lack opposable thumbs.

9. Dear Gentleman-Agent, 
I presume there is an old boy's club that meets every friday at five for happy hour. I know you all sip martinis with olives and discuss the query letters you have received during the week. I know, old boy, that some nasty character started a rumor about me being a pushy broad who won't fit into the industry.  

10. Dear Agent, 
Please answer, this time, damn it! Why don't you agents ever answer? If I don't recieve a response in a timely manner, you can bet I will not hesitate to follow in the footsteps of my heroine on page 37. Just you wait!

11. Dear Agent, 
Enclosed is my 500 page treatise on the inverse relationship between speed and frequency of typing and length of fingernails. 
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